Infractus Pectus
by Couture Girl
Summary: Thoughts and feelings of remorse and pain are all what Theodore Nott has now.


**Written for MissDominqueLysander: Royal Competitions: Queens: Slytherin Character.**

**I chose Theodore. **

**Oh and after taking like an hour looking over my Latin anthology from my high school days, I came to the conclusion that Infractus Pectus in english is broken heart. **

* * *

A Northern Hawk Owl flew to a clearing in the Forbidden Forest. From a glimpse people would think it was any normal owl, but in fact it wasn't. Its feathers were brown but mixed with white, black and grey and there were signs of scars. And if a person would have turned around to look at the owl once more they would not see it, for a young man dressed in black and stained with blood appeared. Theodore Nott had accomplished what only a few wizard and witches were able to do: become an Aniamgus. An unregistered Aniamgus as a matter of fact.

Theodore stood in the clearing, the same clearing he used to go with his ex-lover for nightly walks. As he looked up his eyes were met with stars. With shaky hands he took the Death Eater mask away and with a flick of his wand the blood stains disappeared from his cloak and hands. He lit a cigar and began to smoke. Breathing in, he sighed in relief as a sense of calmness overcame his body and the shudders stopped. Slowly walking towards the ancient castle he couldn't help but remember the words of the centaur.

'**Open your eyes and you will see that you are what you are meant to be. You are like an owl, silent and swift. Few people will notice you pass, but with this you do good.'**

He smirked darkly as he entered the dungeons. The things that the centaur had said were true; he was an owl and no one knew when he passed them by. They ignored him. His magical aura had turned even darker. His abilities helped him hurt Muggles, mudbloods and blood-traitors for the greater good. But somehow he hadn't fully accepted his position of being a ruthless killer.

Maybe having a broken heart wasn't the answer for accepting his other side…and sometimes Theodore hated that he was was making a dreadful life for himself and for her. Maybe there was an easier way, but if that was true then he had hurt her for nothing.

Entering the dungeons with a confident yet tired stride he sighed in relief as he caught sight of the deserted common room. Quickly he walked to his dorm. The rest of his house mates were sleeping and dreaming peacefully. Theodore felt envious of them. Since the Halloween Ball his dreams weren't all that pleasant.

Going to his bed and closing the bed curtains, except the one that faced the window to the bottom of the lake, he sniffed and groaned – he was feeling weak again, dammit! The high of feeling powerful and in control quickly left his body, leaving him hollow, powerless and alone. This always happened after he returned from a mission for the Dark Lord.

His bony fingers massaged his temples to soothe the upcoming headache that was surely going to make him even angrier and stress him to yells of pure fury from not being able to control his emotions. Closing his green eyes he chuckled darkly under his breath. People would have thought he was sick from a fever, but that would be far from the truth.

The splashing of the lake against the window of his dorm didn't help much. It was as if the Giant Squid was telling Theodore that it was his fault for feeling like this. He had brought himself this pain and no one else was to blame. Not even Nott, his other dark personality that had appeared since he'd become a Death Eater in the summer between his fourth and fifth year, had this never ending battle.

If Theodore relinquished his mind, and the little bit of soul and goodness he had, Nott would turn him into Bellatrix Lestrange or his crazed old father.

_Actually, we would be better than them. We wouldn't be crazy. We'd be sane and powerful_, Nott whispered from inside.

Shaking his head, Theodore opened his eyes and glared at the window, mentally cursing the Squid for reminding him why he was like this. His back met the covers of his bed and his fingers drummed his stomach. He couldn't help but think of her.

_Why do you like to torture yourself, Teddy?_

Theodore's left hand slapped his head as if that simple motion would make Nott disappear, but both knew it was futile. He was here to stay. But it was true what Nott had said – why did Theo like to torture himself with bittersweet memories of his eccentric lover, Luna Lovegood?

Because he deserved the pain that came with thinking about his time with Luna. He could still remember how her blue dreamy eyes had filled with unshed tears when he had told her to forget that they ever had anything together. It was like telling her that he had never loved her, that his love for her had never existed, that he had only used her in the most selfish and most humiliating way.

He crawled over his bed and opened his trunk. His hand took his black robe and put it inside with his mask, upper clothes, belt and shoes, leaving him in his black suit pants and socks. Sighing, he searched for a bottle of firewhiskey. Ever since getting his Mark he had become a fan of the fiery drink. But the tiredness was winning and so he went back to bed.

His scarred hand went under the pillow and pulled it over his head, the headache throbbing harder. Another groan escaped him and he felt the taunting voice of Nott ready to make him feel even worse.

"Leave me alone," Theodore whispered under his breath. "Just this once, let me have my pain."

He felt Nott retreat to the back of his mind and Theodore replayed the memories he had of Luna.

His body felt warm for a moment as his mind took him to that time in the clearing of the Forbidden Forest when he had made love to her and kissed her with all the adoration he had for her. Tears were threatening to break free because he'd recently seen her with that horrid Potter. Theodore didn't trust that half-blood and whatever she was doing with him made him sick to his guts. A fist hit his covers.

Burying himself into his bed, he couldn't forget the last kiss he had given her. A day before the Halloween Ball. He had told her to meet him in the Great Hall and they'd kissed before departing. He had known it was going to be the end of their relationship. On the day of the Ball he had lied to her by saying that he didn't want her near him again. And he had once promised Luna that he would never lie to her, that he would always tell her the truth. But ever since becoming a Death Eater he couldn't help but not tell her things. He had done horrid and dreadful things to people and she was so innocent that he would hate himself if he ever tainted her.

But hadn't she seen how he had battled with himself that night? Hadn't she read the note in his handkerchief that explained why he had broken her heart? Theodore had left small hints because he knew her so well; Luna would eventually figure it all out. She was a Ravenclaw for a reason. And with each second that passed, Theodore prayed to Merlin that she would figure it out fast. Theo was hopelessly putting his faith in his quirky ex-lover to put the pieces together and save him from himself! The Dark Mark was slowly eating him up, eating every little good thing he had and making him into a horrible and despicable person.

Unfortunately it was too late now. He couldn't look back and regret his decision. He had broken her heart for a good reason. She wouldn't have the same fate as his mother. Theodore wouldn't forgive himself if he killed her just like his father had killed his mother. And if the sign of meeting Nott was any indication that he was getting near to be like his father, he had to do it. There was no choice, no other way.

A sigh escaped him and as he closed his green eyes he knew that later he would pay for it. He felt the warm and small arms of Luna hugging him and heard her whispering against his ear that she forgave him, that she understood why he had done it, and she would never hate him for saving her. Then she would sing that lullaby that his mother had sung to him when he was little and then Luna would tell him that she loved him and that they would stay together forever. Her cinnamon scent invaded his nostrils and he leaned closer to his bed as he dreamed.

Theodore slept soundlessly; half of him was sleeping while the other half was wide awake and angry. Nott, who had said and done those dreadful things, was disappointed in Theodore. It seemed that he'd forgotten why he had done it. Well soon he would remind him of what his mission was – and it was not fantasizing about Loony Lovegood.

* * *

**AN: Just another something from my Head!Canon, please review!**


End file.
